hold the moment i'll paint your picture while you're still here

going pretty well considering my slow study state (look my dear lit teachers, alliteration -___-) i have gone through all of econs, everything but gases and bits of energectics for chem, whole of LDJN for lit and chapter 5B of math (yeah 5B only but i resign myself to the doomed state of failure alrdy)

oh yeah, i have a fugly wound on my left forearm cos the 6th floor dog bit me. seriously. okay i think it wldnt be so ugly if i didnt apply the iodine but still it looks like some abnormal growth yeah it looks quite 3D from certain angles. i am going to feed that dog chocolate.

from the thing on eric's blog from lowell's blog i am red / C / may / white / shant tell you / dno / flying / ocean.


so why do you hold on to something that you know has no guarantee, that you know could, in the end, hurt you immensely? when really, you could, and you have the power to, choose to walk away?

passed the last of the 06 year telling myself rj's a new start, but things screwed up things went wrong, i met fantastic new people and made great friends. rj's good and fun and all, class is great, dancing has given me so much but something was still missing. could be joyful and stop short the next moment feeling like i couldnt anymore cos it was just wrong. something missing that i couldnt really find cos i couldnt really grasp. that i didnt believe i'd lost forever but somewhere along the way i started to give up hope though it felt like hell at the thought it'd gone for good.

and perhaps it wouldnt be such a bad thing that it had, not for me, i dont think, but as the altruistic solution in the end. just perhaps. i desperately hope that's not true. things cant always turn out the way we wish but that's fine. the problem is who gets to decide what the best solution is. it might not be what you want no matter how much you long for it, yet if you forgo that, would that be considered the best option for yourself individually? how far in the long run should we look to determine what the best thing to do is now? the best comes when i dont know and you dont know and we dont know what to do.

im afraid of losing im afraid of failing im afraid of not measuring up im afraid of disappointing and im also scared of being afraid. but if i always am i'll never get anywhere.

and i held on, i held hope, couldnt bring myself to completely let tht fairytale go
cos i was still in love with the person who wrote it together with me

still am, but how does that work out

and sleep is the next best escape besides being dead or on drugs. g'night.