portraits of lies

currently: drained.

disclamer: this post is half happy half emo. so if you dont want to read the emo part, skip to the part after the ___

im really very sick of hearing:
1. it's just council
2. you have to move on
3. you have to get over it
4. you have to let go
5. there will be other opportunities

if you ever have the urge to say any of those to me, here's a tip: fucking don't. just shut up. shut up. it doesn't help at all. i admit i was nervous about results, but deep down i never seriously expected not to get it. least of all having them picked over me. so if you have nothing better to say, just shut the hell up. applying especially to those who god-knows-why have no tact molecule in their brains.

there's nothing you guys are going to do or say to help me get over it. getting over it and moving on is something i have to do for myself. and freaking get off my back about it. im working on it. it takes time. i need more time. it's just how i am. letting go is a whole other story. this is something i will never be able to let go. i will never forget, nor will i completely accept willingly the outcome of this round. but like jerome said, it's damn wrong to see me not being my usual self. i'm not going to brood and whine about it for the rest of my jc life - that's damn immature. i'm way beyond that. but it doesnt mean i'm some uber saint who goes on like it never happened and doesnt feel indignant at all. because i still do. though im not personally blaming any candidates individually. they didnt put themselves in one of those 146 (now 145) slots.

damn sick of acting like a sore loser. but all i've said is how i feel. and jerome also says i should be how i feel, not what i think i should be.

which is good, cos i'm damn tired of having to "be strong" all the time, not only for myself but for others around. and i really feel like just collapsing for a while and acknowledging and understanding what im feeling. liberating. i really feel very drained from having to deal with it and carry on with all the other stuff this week.

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which is why i must thank Angel, Daryl, Jasper and Ngiam for a very wonderful today. met jasper in the morning and we went for 2nd dance auds. which i dont dare to hold any hope for. but thats quite expected, i went mostly cos i really have nothing to lose. then went to get daryl at j8, went down to plaza to meet angel and ngiam. ate at food court, talked, had some weird encounters, then it was the idea of taking jasper's bag while he was away that sparked the plan to play hide and seek in plaza itself. so we played one round, with angel and i as seekers. which wasnt bad cos we managed to find everyone. stupid stuff happened like daryl thinking the hole in the wall in the bedroom display at barang barang was a mirror and wondering why ngiam hid in the corner when they could just stand behind the wall. so he stood behind the "mirror" and obviously we all could see him. rofl. (but angel and i also thought it was a mirror when we first looked at it, crap) then we decided to play sardines instead, so we sent ngiam, whose phone was out of batt, to be the one to hide first. which escaladed into a lot of hilarious events, cos we couldnt find him. we searched and searched for 40min. and we couldnt find him. and the thing is we restricted it to only one level. can you imagine. met zhiyang along the way, who was there watching his sister competing for cheerleading at cheerobics. achieved a sudden realisation (zhiyang daryl angel and jasper know)

we thought that either:
1. ngiam had a stomachache and was stuck in the toilet
2. ngiam fell asleep on the trolleys and got pushed away
3. ngiam was kidnapped
4. ngiam was arrested for suspicious behaviour
5. ngiam went home
6. ngiam went to the wrong floor

so we searched one floor up and down. nothing leh.

so we wanted to:
1. make an announcement saying we lost a boy 1.8m tall with funky hair
2. take his picture going round asking "have you seen this person?"

along the way we decided that ngiam was either:
1. very good at sardines
2. very stupid at sardines

and in the end, ngiam managed to get his phone on long enough to call daryl. turns out he was on the wrong floor. and we decided, ngiam is both very good and very stupid at sardines. read ngiam's/angel's/daryl's blog to find out more la. then went to macs to eat and talk more and laugh more.

but seriously, thank you guys so much for today, it was the best day of my sucky week. i miss being truly happy and hyper and high (alliteration) like we were today. really. from the moment we formulated the idea to play sardines and we all agreed (albeit reluctantly for ngiam :D ), i like felt damn happy alr la. zomg I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

and to jasper: dont worry, things will work out somehow, sometime. but for now, just follow what your heart tells you yeah, and put in your best for all the new things you're going for. and i'm always always here if you need someone. kay? smile.